I am not supposed to drive home from work. We are supposed to be lift sharing or getting the bus or the train. Or perhaps the park and ride. Unfortunately, the park and ride hasn't actually been set up yet and if I want to get a bus I can either arrive half an hour early or half an hour late. So when my phone rings as I release the handbrake and start to navigate my way out of the supermarket car park I feel rather as if I am breaking quite enough rules and regulations at the moment, thank you and let it ring.
Annoyingly, the person does not leave a message and I can see the missed call icon appear at the top of my screen. My phone is set to sat nav, I do know how to get home, but the sat nav may help me avoid a ten minute queue through the town centre. After a moment or two, my phone rings again and I catch sight of the number but it is a local landline number and not one I recognise. A moment later a messenger pings onto my screen, it is my sister, but it wasn't her number.
Before I have even left the side road from the car park and joined the main road, yet another message from somewhere else has temporarily silenced the sat nav. I miss the instruction and turn the wrong way on the main road and almost straight into a queue at the roundabout towards the hospital. The electronic signs are flashing orange warnings about a closed lane. I feel incredibly cross with myself as I didn't have to come this way, I could have gone the other way.
Driving around the roundabout to get back on to my route, my phone rings again. I am no longer curious and merely cross, so I swear unnecessarily at the car in front who is pulling too slowly away from the roundabout and onto the main road out of town. The cars in front and I inch slowly forward in fits and starts until the queue narrows to a left turning lane and the rest of the traffic explodes in a stream of relief as we finally achieve the dizzy heights of the 30mph speed limit.
After twenty minutes I am pulling into my road and there is space to park outside of my house. This must be a good day. I execute a perfect reverse parallel park and unlock the front door. I have barely stepped into the hallway when the echoing alarm is competing with the house phone and I am reminded of the messages on my phone. I cannot find the phone before it stops ringing as I am juggling handbag, mobile phone, coat and keys. However, I can hear a voice leaving a message. I don't recognise the voice immediately, but the tone is clear. It is urgent. It is concerned. It is pleading with me.
Abandoning my bags to the floor, I scan through the messages on my phone. It is my sister. All the calls. All the messages. "Call me." So I call her.
My heart rate has leapt and my hands are shaking. I had started to take my shoes off but I have stopped mid way while I make my phone call and I am now pacing the hallway and living room unevenly as I try to unzip my other boot. The call takes ages to connect. There are too many rings, I don't understand why she does not answer straight away if it is urgent.
"Ali?" I ask as finally the call is answered.
"Claire? Where have you been? I've phoned you."
"In the car, what's wrong?"
"I was trying to get you before you left work, I need you here."
"Ali, what is it, what's wrong?" My sister seems to be focusing on all the wrong details.
"It's Dad, Claire, there's been an accident, come to the hospital. I've texted..."
"What's happened? Ok. "
"Come now. Claire. Come now."
I don't say goodbye and I don't really notice as I put my trainers on instead of my boots and get my bag and phone, I forget my coat and I don't have my purse with me, but I am only dimly aware of these things.
On my journey back into town I forget about the closed lane near the roundabout and end up in a traffic jam all along the road towards the hospital. My chest feels tight and I can feel all the muscles in my jaw aching with tension. I feel like I want to cry, but it seems so utterly futile I can't. The lane is closed because there are three or four cars pulled up along the side of the road and there are flashing lights everywhere. The car park is packed as always and I have to wait for a parking space. An elderly woman edges in and out of a parking space at least 8 times and does not even seem to consider thanking me for waiting for her. I try to pull in forwards, then realise I'm not going to make it, I pull forward, but before I start to reverse in, the person behind me goes to pull into the space and I have to wait for him to reverse and the three cars behind him to let him go back. I reverse into the space and discover that I don't have my purse with me. I stand next to the machine staring at the empty bag as if the purse will appear. With no choice I make my way towards the hospital entrance but I cannot read the map or follow the signs. When a woman stops to help me all I seem to be able to do is hold out the phone with my sister's message and she points towards a corridor, on the wall of which is a word that seems to resemble the words on the message.
I walk down the corridor but I am seized with a sense of urgency that makes me feel as if my stomach is floating away and my feet are glued to the floor; my trousers are too long with my trainers on and at every step, they catch at the back. I see someone coming out of a room a few metres away, she looks towards me, it is my sister. I reach out to her but she doesn't move or raise her arms.
"Ali..." I don't know what I am going to say, I think I was going to apologise for being late.
"Claire" she says "You're too late. "
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