The conversation with Anna on its own wasn't quite enough for me to phone my mother. It took a further day at work of feeling as if everyone was tiptoeing around me. At lunchtime I walked out into the town centre and bought a sausage roll from Greggs. It felt like rebellion, my lunch was still sitting in the fridge at work. I rang my mother but there was no answer, so I telephoned her mobile, which was of course, switched off. I sent a text, but it meant that by the time she rang me back I was already sitting at my desk, staring at a screen, and about to telephone one of our tenants.
"Hello?" I half whispered, "I'm back at work!"
"Hello Claire, it's your mother." Mum said, although I had already read that it was her on the screen of my phone which was why I had answered. Actually it said "Mum and Dad".
"Yes Mum. I...Can I come round? After work? Help with anything? Erm, the paperwork, banks and stuff." I did not manage to articulate the carefully structured sentence that had been in my head.
"Yes. Yes love. See you later. Love you." By this point she was whispering too and it was all I could do not to laugh out loud.
"Mum, no one else can hear..." She had hung up.
The tenant caught me in a surprisingly cheerful mood, hardly appropriate for demanding overdue rent.
When it came to the end of the day however, I felt a little less ready and drove myself to the gym instead. I hated the gym and mostly ended up swimming. I got into the water and started to swim lengths as I normally would. Usually I found the muzak and background noise worked to help me tune out my thoughts and I would slip into a meditative swim. This time I could not stop thinking. Instead of counting the lengths or the minutes I was going over and over in my head some of the words I had used to my sister and my mother over the last few days, then I started thinking about the last things I had said to Dad. I tried to be sure if I had said "Love you." as I hung up the phone. Everything Anna had said the night before was running like a music sample. It became the rhythm of my swim. I got to the shallow end and had to stop. I looked up at the clock. It had been only 15 minutes. I started to feel an odd sensation in the top of my head. It felt as if my face were burning. Almost before I knew it my eyes were filled with hot, hot tears threatening to spill down my face. I got out quickly, hoping the swimming pool water would hide the wetness on my face. I stood in the shower cubicle unmoving for a few seconds, not undressing even. The heat of the shower on my face seemed to staunch the flow of tears and I battled with wanting to just let go and acknowledge my misery, even though I was not sure exactly what I was crying about, while at the same time feeling I had to hold on to something, that this was private and the gym was public. I was scared that the tears weren't the only thing I would release, I could feel sobs inside me, that if I let my tears go, would drag a child's aching misery from me. I would keep it to myself for now.
I no longer felt like crying by the time I got back to Mum and Dad's. She was pleased to see me, she had her make up on and had done her hair, but there was a frown to her face that looked new. She made me tea and had made a meal for us to share. We sat at the table straight away, I felt like I had arrived late, even though I hadn't given a time. The vegetables and potatoes were a bit overcooked.
"Are you back at work?" she asked.
"Yes..." I replied, missing the implication of the question.
"Oh, " she said "I thought maybe they'd let you have a couple of weeks."
"Oh." I said. "Yes, I think they would have done, I wanted to go back."
"Well, it can't be nice sitting at home on your own." She said. I almost rolled my eyes out of habit, then caught the look on her face and realised that she was scanning the room and that my father wasn't there. She seemed to realise it at that moment as well.
"You've been to church with Ali." I tried to keep the criticism out of my voice.
"Yes. She needed someone to do the teas and wash up." Ah, that was how Ali had got her there.
I had expected a pile of unopened post on the kitchen work top, but it wasn't there. I guess Ali had got in there quickly. Mum took me to Dad's computer and I managed to access most of the bank accounts and checked the bank statements. Apart from a few savings, Mum and Dad still did most of the banking from one account. I started to go through the statements to look for regular payments. Dad was pretty organised, most things were there, although I could see that they still paid car insurance annually, something I never seemed able to afford to do. I started to make the phone calls to change the details. It was more difficult than I anticipated.
After an hour or so, it was too late to phone, I had made a list of things for Mum to do and a list for me. I kissed her goodnight, promised to return next week and headed off home. When I got home I stared at my list, there were a few payments I needed to sort out, but there were also a couple of others I needed to ask Mum about. One of them was a regular monthly payment to Ali. I was shocked when I saw this. I looked through everything three or four times, but I couldn't find a savings account into which there was money being paid for both of us. I found savings accounts for the boys separately and even another University fund for both boys, but there was nothing I could see as an equivalent payment to me. I don't know why I didn't ask my Mum about it straight away. I felt I needed to control my emotion first. What had shocked me? Why was I cross? I didn't need the money. Perhaps there was a rational explanation. Tomorrow, I would ask.
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